Asian Wives

After that striking news on how Wendi Deng saved Rupert Muroch during a hearing, my Chinese twitter was full of retweets and comments. While most Chinese are shocked by her excellent volley ball skills of slapping that protestor, Americans say words like:

Now everyone wants an Asian wife. Not only do they produce top notch students (Amy Chua) and ensure the household runs smoothly, they also take care of the family business and are effective bodyguards.

No matter whether most American males agree, the truth is that having an Asian wife brings you a lot. Sometimes Asian wife is a symbol of status. I personally know many rich people in the United States have Asian wife, and that percentage is somewhat higher than you thought. That would probably contribute to the opera, Madama Butterfly. The tiny, virtuous, mysterious Asian women become a fortress that males from other cultures like to conquer. A friend once told me that having an Asian wife by the side looks good if you are in a banquet. Not only that, since many Asian countries are rising, especially China, having an Asian wife would help a businessman in different ways.Yeah, there must be love involved, believe it or not.

US is a diverse country. You can't blame those Asian women by marrying rich white Americans. There must be probabilities that couple from two different races marry each other. The interesting part is that how they got there in the first place and how people from their home country see them.

I'm a Chinese, so I will take Chinese wives as an example.You may still remember Amy Chua, the tiger mom. Her book was a bomb that aroused a large discussion on how to raise kids. As a native Chinese, I was very surprised by how big the discussion turned into. Although many Chinese parents still adopt that old education style under the table, no one encourages it openly. The trend of parenting in China is leaning toward While some people see a sign of culture emerging, I sense a confidence lost. People around the world admire American style of education, but Americans are seeking otherwise.Chinese do not care what she says as the Americans do. They consider it as a new way of mocking Chinese culture, or adversely regard the phenomenon as a triumph, as one example of the many that some Chinese media use to fill the gap within nationalism.To Americans, Amy Chua's view of education subverts their conception, especially she is a highly-educated scholar at Yale.It means that Chinese strict parenting is beginning to gain ground.

I once met an American friend on a work occasion where most people come with their spouse. His wife is Chinese, so we talked a little bit about her and I asked why she did not come.He told me their son was going to a summer camp soon so she was busy taking care of that. Then he added, you know how Chinese moms, they care too much about their kids. He was not complaining but saying it with a proud face.I realize that Chinese moms has a branding of caring family and kids, if not too much. And then the husband is enjoying what the wives do.

During my stay in the US, I met several Chinese wives like Ms.Deng. They are either born and raised in the states or come to the US when they were young. Of course, no one has a more legendary life as her. But they all share a common character that is they all tried to debrand themselves so as to integrate into the society, no matter intentionally or unconsciously. A friend of mine once told me that she struggled to tear off the tag of being a Chinese American. She tried to stay away from the Chinese American social circle and defend every time when someone brings up her Asian look. But she couldn't change much. All we see is that most Chinese Americans make friends with other Asian Americans, just like Chinese oversea students often only hang out with other Chinese students.It is hard, but it doesn't mean it is impossible. In order to break the glass ceiling, one has to be very ambitious and boldness, which is exactly opposite to the Chinese culture.

This is a process of detachment with side effects. Anyone who have read Ms. Deng's experience would know what I am writing about. The Chinese women I know that dating an American or married to one are somewhat alienated from their old social circle. It is not that they are willing to lose those friends but the fact that they are becoming so Americanized is making them discard their old habits. I personally know some Chinese who stayed in the US for a long time despise the recently arrived ones because they see “improper” manners of the latter. Interestingly, they were used to such habits before they leave their home country. There are two reasons behind it. First, if you want to climb up the ladder, you have to meet more "white" Americans. Everyone knows that not many Chinese or American Chinese have their place in the elite group, the so called upper class. Second, being in a social group full of Americans pushes you to adapt your living style. One old Chinese lady visiting her granddaughter once compaint to me that her granddaughter let the air-conditioning on for all night and she cannot stand it because she felt cold and noisy. But her granddaughter who just came to the US two years ago says her American-born boyfriend can't sleep without the AC on. Obviously she chose to stand by her boyfriend.

It is reasonable to choose an easier life style, especially when you moved to another country, the first thing that everyone do is follow everyone else. It becomes more difficult to insist old habits when the whole environment has changed. For example, almost every Chinese student who study in Los Angeles has a car, because the city is very spread out and it takes forever to travel by public transportation. If you know China well, you would know that not many families have a car, although this situation is starting to change. Those families do not own a car not because of the cost, but because there is no need to have a car if the public transportation is fast and convenient. It is all about the society you are living in.

From the views of those who reluctant to be actively Americanized, fighting to climb up is despicable in some ways. No mater if it is because of envy or conservatism, the result is that the two kinds of people do not coexist in the same social circle any more. Sometimes my friend and I talked about Ms. Deng because she is an icon to Chinese women who want to be successful in the states. I can feel subtle sense of sexual discrimination from the discussion. Men are allowed to do whatever they can to reach their goal, but women who sleep their way up should be ashamed. This is actually common in every culture.

But, there is always a time to go home. I know a very successful Chinese American wife who once worked in the government. After she stepped down from her previous position, she turned her wheel toward China, her home country. She's very smart to think that she is a Chinese American and she looks Chinese and she can speak Chinese. Why not take advantage of that and do business with this fast growing economy with such large market? Another Chinese lady I know who married to an American politician has a close relationship with the Chinese embassy and consulate. She plays a positive role in the communications between the two countries. Also, Ms. Deng recently produced the movie Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, a story about Chinese women.  And her titles are always related to Asia.

Amire should be paid to those Asian wives because it is not easy to collect back the identity you once discarded. It is not bandwagoning. It is just smart. But be careful! Not everyone has the capability to handle those wives as Rupert Murdoch.